There's No More Love in Granola, Thanks to the FDA
Last updated June 10, 2018
What would you do if your granola spoke? And what if those words were full of innuendo and lust? Well, you don't need to worry because the government has our backs. There's no more love in granola; the FDA just banned it from a well-loved artisanal brand. Learn how the FDA saved us all, including the White House, from granola love.
The FDA banned love in granola
Did you know that love is not an ingredient? I had no idea. But according to an article at Fast Company, the FDA banned love as a listed ingredient in Nashoba Brook Bakery's artisanal granola. No joke. There's no more love in granola.
If you were hoping that morning bowl of granola would give you an ego boost or a better love life, this is bad news. In fact, I'm devastated. But at least now I know, and the FDA just saved me a lot of money I would have spent on high-carb granola—and heartache.
But I thought all granola contained love and that if I were one of the lucky ones, it would whisper sweet nothings in my ear. "Laura, your skin is so radiant. How about a kiss?" Crunch, crunch. "No? It's a little too early for that, isn't it." Crunch, crunch. "Well, I've been meaning to tell you how crazy I am about you—even when your writing stinks." What the … !
Granola love in D.C.
Someone needs to tell the president about the FDA's new rule, though—and, perhaps, a few past presidents, too—because granola made with extra love is a staple at the White House. After all, men who wear very long ties need extra-potent granola.
"Why, Mr. President, you're looking dapper, as always. Nice tie." Crunch, crunch. "May I call you Donald?"
And what politician wouldn't be cheered by a good bowl of granola-love, even those who are just trying to pass a little health-care reform?
"Paul, how's it going, buddy? What, no one loves you?" Crunch, crunch. "Ah, it's just a little health insurance. They'll get over it. We might lose a few patients here and there, but at least there'll be fewer people." Crunch, crunch.
"And with fewer people, that climate change migration bill won't be nearly as expensive. Yikes! I almost forgot: The man with the very, very long tie and his righteous posse banned climate change. Well, that's convenient; they got two bans for the price of one."
"Mikey, my man, how's the world's tastiest vice president? What about the two of us slip outside for a bite to eat?" Crunch, crunch. "And—ahem—you can leave the wife at home. Did I ever tell you how hot you are?" Crunch, crunch. "C'mon, you can trust me, Mikey. After all, love is one of my main ingredients, or, at least, it was. Now, I'm just after your body."
Oh, that's so creepy. Thank heavens the FDA is on this because granola-love is far more dangerous than chlorpyrifos. Get that love out of my granola now! —Laura