There's No More Love in Granola, Thanks to the FDA

 Granola in two hermetic clear glass jars with yogurt and blueberries,

Granola in two hermetic clear glass jars with yogurt and blueberries,

Last updated April 6, 2018

What would you do if your granola started a conversation? And what if that conversatiuon smacked of innuendo and lust? Well, you don't need to worry because the government has our backs. There's no more love in granola; the FDA just banned it from a well-loved artisanal brand. I doubt love was ever an ingredient in mass-produced varieties. Read on to learn about how the FDA saved us all, including the White House, from granola love. 

The FDA banned love in granola

Did you know that love is not an ingredient? I had no idea. But according to an article at Fast Company, the FDA banned love from Nashoba Brook Bakery's artisanal granola. No joke. There's no more love in granola. 

If you had hopes that your breakfast would boost your ego or improve your love life, this is bad news because, according to the FDA, your granola doesn't contain love. And if by chance it did in the past, it won't anymore. I'm devastated, but at least now I know. And the FDA just saved me a lot of money I would have spent on high-carb granola—and heartache.

But I thought all granola contained love and that, if I were lucky, it would whisper sweet nothings in my ear. "Laura, your skin is so radiant. How about a kiss?" Crunch, crunch. "No? It's a little too early for that, isn't it." Crunch, crunch. "Well, I've been meaning to tell you how awesome your blog is and that I'm in love with you—even when your writing stinks." What the … !

Granola love in D.C.

Someone needs to tell the president about the FDA's new rule, though—and, perhaps, a few past presidents, too—because granola made with extra love is a staple at the White House, since it's the men with longest ties who need the most potent granola love to prop them up. "Why, Mr. President, you're looking dapper, as always. Nice tie." Crunch, crunch. "May I call you Donald?" 

And what politician wouldn't be cheered by a good bowl of granola love, even those just trying to pass a little health-care reform?  "Paul, how's it going, buddy? What, no one loves you?" Crunch, crunch. "Ah, it's just a little health insurance. They'll get over it. We might lose a few patients here and there, but at least there'll be fewer people." Crunch, crunch. "And with fewer people, that climate change migration bill won't be nearly as expensive. Oh, jeez, I forgot: The man with the very, very long tie and his righteous posse banned climate change. How convenient, they got two bans for the price of one."

"Mikey, my man, how's the world's tastiest vice president? What about the two of us slip outside for a bite to eat?" Crunch, crunch. "And—ahem—you can leave the wife at home. Did I ever tell you how hot you are?" Crunch, crunch. "C'mon, you can trust me, Mikey. After all, love is one of my main ingredients, or, at least, it was. Now, I'm just after your body."

Oh, that's so creepy. Thank heavens the FDA is on this because granola love is far more dangerous than chlorpyrifos. Get that love out of my granola now!    —Laura